Blog » Dharma Friends » Reflections on repentance » The Story about my Back
The Story about my Back2013-01-10
Over the last few years I have prayed at the Emperor Liang Jeweled Repentance Ceremony, and this year I was asked to share how praying at this ceremony has affected me. With this, I will share with you the story of my back.
On November of 2005 I got into a terrible car accident. My car flipped over twice on the freeway. The car roof caved centimeters away from my head. My car was in ruins, and I merely escaped death. I was lucky to walk away from that accident with merely a scratch on my left elbow. During that week, I learned that my mother was here at Gold Sage Monastery praying in the Emperor Liang Jeweled Repentance Ceremony.
I had thought I was fine from that accident till I started feeling pain, numbness, and tightness down both my legs starting in 2006. MRI and X-Rays showed that I had grade 1 spondylolisthesis (a vertebra slippage) between my L5 and S1, and a PARS defect (a crack) on my S1. Due to the crack on the S1, the vertebra could not support the weight of my body, and so the disk between the L5 and S1 is almost completely degenerated. Without the cushion provided from the disks my nerves running down my spinal cord were pinched between the L5 and S1. The pain that results from this was extremely painful and debilitating. I couldn’t go hiking without lying on the ground somewhere to relieve the pain, and when I went shopping I had to always find somewhere to squat or sit. I couldn’t sit, stand, or walk for long durations. Jogging, jumping, dancing, and skiing were completely out of the question due to the pain.
I tried seeking out medical help from East to West. When I went to seek Western doctors, they wanted to give me surgery, and screw 6 titanium rods down my back. The chances of recovery after this procedure was 40-50%, and my own research told me this was not needed till grade 3 spondylolisthesis or later. When I went to Eastern acupuncturists and herbalists, I got cheated of my money. I tried physical therapy, yoga, chiropractics, and numerous exercises. I even tried standing on my head but nothing helped. I felt frustrated and distressed. I am only in my 20’s, and I have a back of a 70 year old. Why couldn’t I do things others my age take for granted – such as walking?
My mother then concluded: When an illness is not curable by medicine, it is due to karma. But what type of karma did I have? During this time, I met a good and wise advisor that helped shed light into my karmic past and how it relates to my back.
My first story was this: About 2,000 years ago in China I was a young 7 year old child. During this time China was at war, and I was captured but not my mother. I tried futilely to return to my mother, but my captors caught me each time. In the end they got tired of trying to keep me from running away, so they broke my right leg. I was very hurt and traumatized by this event. Since I was only 7 years old, I didn’t understand why they broke my leg since I never did anything to hurt them. Hate started growing in my heart towards them. My soul held onto that hurt, trauma, and hate for 2,000 years and that manifested itself as pain in my right leg in my present life. I needed to learn to forgive and let go.
During the Emperor Liang Jeweled Repentance Ceremony in 2008, I repented for not forgiving those who had hurt me. During the ceremony week, a dharma master came to me, and said “Child, you have hate in your eyes.” Hearing this, I was very frightened, and prayed harder to forgive and let go of many things, especially of my 2,000 year old grudge. In this ceremony, I learned how to forgive those who had hurt me, and to embrace them with compassion. I also learned how important it is to keep all affinities a compassionate one. The pain in my right leg completely disappeared during the Great Transference at the end of the ceremony.
The pain in my left leg remained, and began to intensify. I again, searched for the cause. This brings me to my second story: Back numerous lifetimes ago, I had hurt 7 little bears. I either killed them or had hurt them really badly. In this lifetime, they manifested as pain in my left leg. I prayed in the Emperor Liang Jeweled Repentance Ceremony in 2009, but the pain did not completely go away. I prayed even the more sincerely in 2010. Apparently it is easier to forgive, than to ask for forgiveness. Each time I entered the Great Buddha Hall during the ceremony the pain would intensify 10 fold. Every time I tried to kneel, stand, or bow, excruciating pain would shoot down my back and through my legs. I would often be in tears due to the pain, but the pain caused me to pray even more sincerely. During the last two ceremonies, I learned what it means to sincerely repent. To sincerely repent means to whole-heartedly apologize and atone for one’s wrong doing – and to never do it again. Since I was the one who caused so much pain and suffering, I dedicated all my merits from the ceremony and my good deeds to the ones I have hurt. I prayed that they are well and happy. I prayed that they can also cultivate in this Buddhist path. I showered them with all the love and compassion I could bring forth from my heart. I learned to not ask them to leave so that the pain would go away.
Dedicating merits to them in exchange for being pain free is not called repenting – it’s called bargaining. To sincerely repent means that I shouldn’t care whether or not they let me go pain free, for I was the one who had hurt them. My responsibilities lie in sincerely repenting, dedicating my merits, and reforming my bad habits. The pain in my left leg completely disappeared during the Great Transference at the end of the 2010 Emperor Liang Jeweled Repentance Ceremony.
Since then, I can hike long distances without lying down, shop without squatting or sitting every few aisles, and I have been taking exercise dance classes at work. Sitting, standing, walking, kneeling, and bowing for long hours no longer bothers me. Though I am both relieved and delighted that the pain is gone, I am very thankful for this spiritual journey my back has taken me on. I am thankful for those who have hurt me, for they have taught me what it means to forgive and let go. I am thankful for those who bring obstacles in my life due to my wrongdoings to them, for they have taught me what it means to sincerely repent and reform. I am thankful for everyone and every experience in my life, for all are teaching me different sides of cultivation.
