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Tears of Healing and Gratitude 2013-01-10

 

By Laura Lin

 

Last month was the first time that I ever received the transmission of the Eightfold Precepts and the Precepts for the Deceased on behalf of my grandfather, and participated in the week-long Jeweled Repentance of Emperor Liang. From what I had heard about the Dharma Assembly, I knew it would be a wonderful and profound experience, but I never expected that I would cry so much during the ceremonies. In fact, I was wondering why the Dharma Masters didn’t tell us to bring some tissues!

To be fair, I started crying even before the Dharma Assembly started. When I left my house on Sunday, November 20th, the first day of the Repentance Ceremony, it was still very dark. But as I approached Gold Sage Monastery, the first rays of dawn began to light up the sky. At that moment, I experienced an incredible epiphany by truly “seeing” how the infinite wise and compassionate light of the Buddha breaks the endless darkness of our ignorance. Out of sorrow for all living beings (including myself) who are still lost in delusion, and out of gratitude towards all Buddhas and Bodhisattvas who tirelessly teach and transform us, I began to sob as I drove. What I didn’t know then was that this mixture of sorrow and gratitude set the tone of my experience during the Repentance Ceremony.

I would start to shed tears as the language of repentance, the melody of the chants, and the sincerity of my fellow cultivators touched me deeply. I hope all my crying didn’t disturb people around me! One day, I remembered gazing up at the statutes of the Buddhas and realizing how far I have strayed from the Dao.

 

Although I made a resolve on the spot to work my way back, this realization just made me cry some more. However, these were tears of healing and gratitude. As I cried, I saw all these old and extremely tight knots that I have made in my heart begin to soften and dissolve. Although I was exhausted after all that crying (and probably a bit dehydrated), I was more at peace.

Then towards the middle of the week-long Repentance Ceremony, little things started to happen that let me see how dirty my mind was. I have always tried hard to be a good person, so you can imagine my chagrin when I saw how arrogant and petty I actually was, and how I turned my insecurity into jealousy and defensiveness. I was so ashamed and depressed that I cried even more. Although I repented during the Ceremony, I still felt really bad. Fortunately, I was able to talk to two Dharma Masters about my experience. To my surprise, both of them congratulated me and told me that the Repentance Ceremony was really working! I was reminded that one of the goals of cultivation is to shine the light of wisdom at the dark corners of our minds so we can recognize our faults and transform them. After all, how can we change for the better when we can’t see our mistakes? Besides, what I was seeing was the result of unwholesome seeds that I have planted over numerous lifetimes. Therefore, it’s not surprising if I can’t change my habitual energy overnight. The key is to be patient and keep on working on.

One of the Dharma Masters also told me to treat my afflictions like a good doctor would treat a patient. After examining the symptoms and making the correct diagnosis, a good doctor would give his patient the appropriate medicine, without judgment or blame. Similarly, I should use the appropriate cure for my afflictions without being stuck in the state of regret and self-pity. When I heard this wise and compassionate advice, it was as if the sun broke through the dark and ominous clouds. I was so relieved and touched that I teared up again.

I wish to share my experience with you, not to tell you how much I am capable of crying. Actually, I am usually a fairly happy person and laugh at myself a lot. In case you ever get discouraged like me, please take heart. The path of cultivation is long and full of challenges. However, I believe that as long as we are sincere, if we get discouraged and plop down in the middle of the road crying, some Good Knowing Advisors would appear and help us get back on our feet. May I also be one of these Good Knowing Advisors one day, and help others on their journey to the other shore. Amitofo!